Stay curious. Understanding may be overrated.

I have been wondering about a lot of things lately and why it might be kind of confusing to try and put words to my feelings. I have made some really big changes by moving to Lana’i and I have a clarity of purpose both in terms of my current work situation and what I hope will develop with time. At the same time, there’s a certain non-reality to it that also leads me to wonder what the heck I’m doing here. I’ve left a whole life behind to live somewhere close to another planet, so far away and so different, that it causes me to question myself and my judgement… sort of. It isn’t something to make me tuck tail and head home by any means. It is more the opposite: a fit so randomly perfect and strange that I have to question if it is really happening, how it might be possible.

I question my own tendencies. I have travelled far before and lived on other planets that I’ve made my own. Spain was like that for me, particularly Sevilla where I lived on and off for about 8 years during my 20’s. At that time I was in and out of college at UT. Above all, I was young and unencumbered. I bought a ticket and left and then figured out ways to go back. Several times, in fact. It was not a “thought” thing. When I finally returned to San Antonio with the idea of going to massage school in Austin, it was definitely with some sadness because I knew that, if ever, it would be a long time before I could return to visit, much less to stay. I’ve only been back once to Sevilla and that was in ‘96…? (I’ve never been good at dates, so that is as good a guess as any.) Needless to say, that was a long time ago. It was before kids!

I think part of my wondering is how I am able to just leave. Lots of fodder there…

My goal though, might be to understand, if I can, how some things can be so clear and at the same time unknowable. My best strategy so far is to allow the opposites and push against it a little to see if it holds or shifts. So far, this one doesn’t budge. (It may be a question of time. I haven’t been here long.) There are some things that are just what they are. Different personalities allow for different choices and circumstances allow for different outcomes. In the end, it is mostly how you handle it, your attitude, your resilience. Another question is how long I can tolerate the discomfort of feeling comfortable when everything is out of context and watching myself flip flop and move on.

What about yourself do you not understand? What do you question to see if it holds or shifts? Stay curious. There’s juice there. Once you think you know the answer, you’ve limited the possibilities. At that rate, “understanding” may be overrated.